Thursday, September 7, 2006

Feelings of Failure

The bus just came. I feel like crying. Tink is still in bed. I'm happy about that. But the poor little girl shed some tears into her pillow last night about not returning to school with her friends.

I know what I did was the right thing but it now all feels so scary. It dawns on me that Tinks name is on the classroom door with all her friends. It's sad. What if I cant do the job? What if because of our choices she ends up with no friends or awkward socially...or...or... I'm doubting myself.

Or maybe its not so much that as it is the relinquishing of a dream. I didnt know my daughter would have a sensory disorder. I thought she would go to school like all other kids. Today that yellow school bus pulling out without her was visible proof that my daughter isnt like the other kids. I cant explain it.

I know you all think I should be grateful I can homeschool and yes I am. But there's a reluctance to give up a lifestyle, to give up a dream, to give up a normal way of life to speak.

So many many doubts...

I must keep in focus the reason I have chosen to homeschool. I must remember the little girl who cried after school because her brain hurt or because the kids had called her stupid.

I need your prayers today. I feel like crying every time I turn around. I don't know; it's all so real now.

Now I have no choice but to go file as a homeschooler with the state. No, I haven't done that yet. It's the final stroke that severs Tink from the life she knew.

Oh my, I do not know if I can handle this. Please someone tell me that this is just the first day jitters. I feel so inadequate. I feel so sad. I feel like life as we know it has just ended.

I don't really doubt my ability to teach because I've taught school for years.. it's just the long term impact on Tink that worries me.

Doesnt every child deserve that first day of school in the fall when they discover who their teacher is? Or the excitement of seeing all your old friends or of finding what desk you'll have that year? Isn't that the right of childhood?

God give me strength.

1 comment:

  1. WOW!! Just found this posted in my dashboard, as you must be moving posts from one blog to the other. Look how far you have come, Mrs. D! I see none of this uncertainty now.


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